I came back to YWAM because I think I’m like a lot of people, in that I want to make a difference in the world. I want to make a statement. For God, for social justice, for whatever. In doing so, though, sometimes I find myself saying things that I actually don’t know I agree with. I hear things and I repeat them and a lot of times, and don’t actually take the time to digest and suss out what I actually think or what I actually feel. And if I'm being honest, I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I find it really hard to be honest with myself in what I really think or feel.
I feel like this really plays into my relationship with God. There are a lot of things that I know about Him and His character just because I grew up in the church my whole life. You hear phrases so many times, they become ingrained into your thinking and you don’t really take the time to wonder why this revelation of God is true or how it even relates to me or what it means for his kingdom.
Shallow exploration leads to shallow belief. I have found myself lately really craving deep connection and deep conversation. There’s only so much weather I can talk about, or so much of how I am busy or tired. Don’t even get me started on speculation of any kind. In my pursuit of the Lord, I have caught glimpses of His Greatness and His Goodness, and have seen it firsthand for myself. The more I experience God, the more I actually want to be with Him. He’s good that way. What gets me in trouble is when I decide that my second hand knowledge of God is better than God himself.
Recently, I started in a new ministry here at YWAM Brisbane. I’m working with the Creative Department, which covers a multitude of things but included is the worship ministry. New responsibilities, new work, but most importantly, I am in a position where I am expected and wanting to be a funnel for the Lord to bless His people and express creatively what He is doing and saying. I can’t do this if I don’t take the time to actually hear what He is saying or even ask Him what He thinks. Because at the end of the day if I have forgotten who it is all for, I am working in vein.
So God is calling me in this season to explore the deep wells of His heart. Firstly, for intimacy’s sake, right? Everything flows from a place of intimacy: identity, courage, strength, purpose. But also because when the storms of life come and I don’t understand, I actually have something solid to stand upon and I actually know the one who stands with me. This will allow me to have some type of authority when I speak or teach or sing, because it’s coming from an already formed authentic place of worship in my heart.
I’m tired of the shallowness I’ve let into my life. To go high you need to go deep. The taller the building, the deeper the foundation needs to be. And while I’m not in the business to go high for the sake of going high, I actually want to make a difference in the world and it all comes from the deep intimate places and convictions that I hold within myself. And I have found that being honest and having humility before the Lord will actually take me into the places I have always wanted to be but couldn’t attain on my own.