I must have said these words a million times through out my life. And according to my experiences, I would have every right to!
I remember getting excited about things as a little girl, and then telling myself to stop day-dreaming about it because if I hoped for it, it wouldn't happen.
For some reason I thought that if I really wanted something it probably wasn't what God wanted, therefore, I was meant to do without it. #selfsacrifice #dieflesh!
But maybe, if I didn't act like I really wanted it, and just became a super holy person, he'd give it to me...Now that's a twisted perspective of a God we call good!
To be fair, looking back I realize that a decent amount of what I wanted as a kid wouldn't have been the best thing for me.
For example; crushing on a guy and dreaming of how cute we'd be together, how he'd bring me roses and I'd have dinner ready. Wether we would homeschool our kids or not, and how great it would be when he actually got saved... yeah... #missionarykidproblems
But it wasn't just disappointment in the areas of childhood luuv. Somewhere along the way there was a disconnect in the way I interpreted the phrase "God is good" in the bible.
To me that meant that God doesn't sin. Not that He is good towards me, and loves to bless us, like any good earthly father would. (Except a million times more cause He's God!)
From a young age I taught myself to give up hope as an immediate reaction to anything that could potentially be wonderful!
I was trying to protect myself from the pain of disappointment. I didn't want to loose my dreams by actually dreaming about them. I didn't talk about them because I didn't want to jinx them.
Deep inside, when you feel like you're not worth good things, you give up hope as a way protecting yourself, not just as a way of protesting the existence of "good".
I knew that good existed, just maybe not for me.
This had a nasty effect on my process of "Becoming Hannah" because... where do you go when you're pursuing your dream, but you don't know what your dream is... because you don't allow yourself to dream... because you don't want to loose your dream... but you don't even know what that dream is??? mmmm I'm gonna say no where. Or maybe you copy someone else's dream...
10 years down the road from "unsaved-crush-boy" and I'm doing much better! I've worked out that God is good, in a great mood and loves me ridiculously! But I've been noticing some places in my heart that are still on auto pilot to self protect.
Take marriage for example.
I know, I know! Every girl and their single christian friends are writing about love and why they are content to wait for mr. perfecto-mundo, and why they blah blah blah... but bare with me, this is my first!
When I was dreaming of what it would be like to be with Juan Edgar (unsaved crush boy) I wasn't really particularly thinking about him... I wanted to be loved and to be treasured. I wanted to have a best friend whom I could love and treasure back. That was a deep God given desire inside of my heart. One that I feared to hope for. So I shoved the dream of marriage down alongside hope. Thoughts of sharing unconditional love with someone became merely the faint echoes of their mournful dungeon conversations................
Aka I stopped dreaming.
Good news though! Lately, I'm dreaming up a storm! There's a whole story about that, but this is neither the time or the place! All you need to know right now is that I am allowing myself to truly explore all of the things I dream of doing. And one of those is getting married!
I was thinking about marriage the other day. Things that are important to me in a relationship, things that I'm excited for, and I caught myself dismissing it again as "too perfect to be real" and "too good to be true" cause "That would never happen to me".
All of the sudden I had another thought that overpowered and silenced those pathetic lies:
Welp. That did it for me! Lie exposed and disposed of! I will not give the enemy the time of day in my mind or in my life, he can't have my marriage starting now!
I choose to live from the stand point that God is too good to NOT be true... and my life will follow suit.
This is true for every area of our lives. Not just romance :)
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