Facing the castle at Disneyland Paris; I couldn’t believe what I was seeing! As I shy’d away my mum encouraged me to take in my surroundings. It really looked like it did on TV!! As an eight year old, I felt like all my dreams had come true!
We had taken a family holiday; and it was times like these that I knew I was loved.
Over the years; being an average student academically, creatively and any other ly word you want to throw out there, I didn't feel like I could amount to much. I felt the constant battle of trying to prove myself.
I studied and studied to just scrap a better grade. I pleaded and cried to my mum for there to be a way for me to get picked to be in dance shows. I did what my friends wanted in high school so that I would always be included. I spent days, weeks, hours looking for a job and I wasn't ever the one to be chosen. And that was it, i never felt like I was chosen.
I was living in constant fear, remaining in the shadows.
When I heard the words I love you I brushed them off. My mindset was; if I was loved then wouldn't I be more capable? Wouldn't I be able to relax at school without being fearful of being left out? Wouldn't I be able to get into the high school where my older siblings went? Wouldn't I get a solo in performances? Wouldn't I, wouldn't I, wouldn't I?
These wouldn’t I’s led me down a dangerous path of feeling unworthy, ashamed and not good enough. My vulnerable, mouldable years were based on a huge amount of comparison.
And then He gently whispered "I love you"…
Six years ago a good friend prayed over me and shared a beautiful vision she had from the Lord. She saw a warm, cosy, inviting house in the forest. As I walked by, the Father said “come in”.
Since then I haven't forgotten it.
Over and over again He has been whispering “I love you”. But my own self-worth has gotten in the way of receiving that.
As I have started to hear and receive His invitation to come inside His house, I have physically heard other people say “I love you”. Words I used to brush off subconsciously or not hear because I didn't feel worthy enough to own that label; were replaced with comparison, self hatred and negative self-talk.
As I am learning to receive and vast in being loved, I am understanding the difference between the castle at Disneyland and the house in the forest. One I can look at, admire and be in awe of. Whereas the other I can receive the invitation, take off my shoes, be comfortable and feelpermanently at home in.
While at home I can rest, because I have been chosen…