I feel very at peace with life, light and easy, and relaxed. I am so thankful that is something that is constant in my life.
Unfortunately things have not been like that. Last year I started to feel very anxious and unsettled in myself. This is not normal for me. I am a very peaceful and calm person. But this uneasiness was starting to rise up in me and I could not shake it. No matter how many times I asked the Lord about it or received prayer, it was still there. Later I had a personal heart-ache. I thought, “This is what I was feeling and I can just give it to God and start moving on with my life. I know it may be hard but it should be fine.”
But it didn’t get easier.
It got harder.
I was more guarded than I have ever remembered my self being. And you know, when you are so guarded, you miss out on feeling true joy, love, and you numb yourself to anything that might hurt you. Short-term that can help but when you make it part of you, it hurts you more.
But also I missed out on some revelations God had for me.
It was well into January 2017 and I still leading this wonderful school here at YWAM Brisbane. I felt a bit like I needed to put on a cape every morning to make sure people knew I was ok even if I wasn’t. Classic. But what do you do when your leader isn’t doing well? Do you feel safe? Supported? Cared for? Do you feel you can share what you are going through without feeling bad? This was my motive; to enable the people I was leading to still be supported.
At least that was my hope.
One night I was feeling extra anxious so I went on a walk to talk to Jesus. I sat on a curb in my neighborhood starring up at the stars. We were talking about a few things but then I just said out loud, “I don’t want to be Superwoman anymore. I can’t do it!” Jesus replied to me gently, “You don’t need to be superwoman.”
But there was something in me that couldn’t let it go or didn’t believe what Jesus said. It was
I would have been letting go of the false control I had on my life and work life. I put on that cape to stay in control. What I needed was to let go and let God take that cape.
As I began to realize these things, a new season was coming. It was a few days before my students and staff were going off to do their outreach for two months. I was anticipating the new jobs I would be given, and the fresh change that would bring to my life.
I knew that is what I needed. Time to sit with God and talk about all of this.
It was only a week since my school left but I already felt that I had gained so much revelation from what I went through and what I was still overcoming. God’s goodness and kindness had again come though. I fell back into my peaceful nature and there was a sweetness that continues to linger in my heart with God. There was still more healing to conquer, but I am now aware of how being guarded hurts myself more than it protects me.
One verse that has been on my heart that I'd love to share with you is Colossians 3:15-17:
"Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”
Let peace rule your heart.
Hosanna Creasap (MAD DTS School Leader)
Originally posted on Hosanna's blog here.