For the past nearly three years the words "Send Me" were my cry from a place of never being content or feeling like I belonged. Little did I know that God had heard my cries, each and every time.
What could God possibly want with someone like me? I am just a small town girl from Ohio, nothing special about me... However God brought me on a journey to not just another state, but to many and beyond the borders of the country I grew up in. God has without a doubt been meticulously planning this journey from the very beginning. There's no way that I made it to Australia without His provision. I basically did everything that I could to run the opposite direction He was leading me towards. If it was painful, uncomfortable, made no sense, or I had one person doubt me; I withdrew into what I knew, which was self-destruction. I thought "living your life for God" meant an absence of fun, of life, of freedom. Here I had been confining myself to the box that would soon be my coffin. I was creating the life that I thought "living for God" would curate when really, it was the opposite. God wanted me to live in His freedom, not mine.
I came to Australia the beginning of February this year because I was running from the life that I was living. I had a pretty "in your face" call to come to Australia; yet I still couldn't pinpoint what God would want with someone like me. Someone that had a well marked up past, an ungrateful heart, and a greater fear of man than the God who was in constant pursuit of my heart. I had lived my whole life feeling like I had failed God, when He actually just wanted my eyes to be focused on Him instead of the storm around me. I thought that God had abandoned me every time that I was in a dark place, every time that something bad happened in my life; but God was right there, holding my hand through it all. I never noticed that He was holding my hand, comforting me, because I was too busy reading the alcohol content on the bottles and striking the lighter for another cigarette. I was too busy filling the void in my life with empty things, not realizing that the only thing that could every truly bring me peace, was God.
For the past nearly three years the words "Send Me" were my cry from a place of never being content or feeling like I belonged. Little did I know that God had heard my cries, each and every time. He brought me to New Jersey for a summer to share the Gospel, back to college to lead and disciple, and later on to Mitchelton, Australia to discover who He truly was; not who I made Him to be. Looking back, God had so much in store for me and could have brought me to the place I am in right this moment far sooner, had I just let Him in. But I was afraid. Afraid of letting go of my addictions and comforts. Letting go of my friends who maybe weren't the greatest influences. You name it, I had an excuse for everything. I knew deep down that I was breaking God's heart, but I overrode it with my own justification.
1 Thessalonians 5:19 says, "Do not quench the Spirit". Scripture states plainly, yet I deliberately disobeyed. I was very much aware of God's presence, of the Holy Spirit, but again, the past few years (minus moments of spiritual clarity) I overrode what God had in store for me. He wanted life, and I continuously chose death.
When I arrived in Australia, I was faced with reality: the truth. I no longer had my comforts, I no longer had my friends that didn't really care what I dappled in; I had people; Christians around me. They genuinely loved and cared for me, without even knowing me. They just knew that I was trapped in my sin and needed freedom that only God, love, community, forgiveness, prayer, and time could provide. I had a choice; let go and grow, or hold fast and stay where I was. My motivation in going to Australia was to never be the same person again which meant full surrender, of ALL areas of my life. It meant that I had to choose everyday the promise that God had given me in scripture that I was and am a new creation! At the end of the day, I would get out what I put in, and I would grow to the capacity that I allowed God to change me. We always have a choice, and I thank my Father everyday that He chose me relentlessly until I finally chose Him. I AM a new creation. The old has gone, and the new has come to stay forever and ever Amen.
This is my cry: